Healing Our Histories
“There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns.
If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor
What patterns are you repeating?
My dad cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me. Her next lover cheated on her while she was pregnant with my brother. When she died, she was in a relationship with a man who was married when they got together. She found out about his marriage AFTER she uprooted her entire life (and mine) and moved across the state to live with him. One day, while listening to her tell the story for the umpteenth time about my dad cheating on her, it dawned on me that my mom was the common denominator in all of these relationships. It was in that moment that I decided not to be my mother - a decision that would lead me directly to my first husband.
Determined not to repeat my mother’s pattern of having babies by different men and moving from relationship to relationship without healing, I stayed in my first marriage for almost 15 years before I experienced a level of self-esteem that allowed me to create new patterns and choose self-love. And, as determined as I was not to repeat the man hopping + multiple baby daddies experience in which my mom had participated, I still managed to repeat some of my family’s patterns with relationships. My marriage was no picnic - or I’d still be in it because when it was good, it was delicious but, when it wasn’t good, it was toxic. He lied to me, cheated on me and manipulated me. Repeatedly … for 14.5 years. Healing and moving beyond that experience meant rewriting the patterned belief that men lie, choosing to value me, and owning my power. I’m still embodying that one.
Notice, I said ‘rewriting the patterned belief’... That’s the key to creating anything in your world whether it’s a healthy romantic relationship or a certain level of financial or physical success. It all starts with our patterns. You can literally rewrite those patterns by changing the thoughts you think or you can choose (with your actions) new ways of being until you create beyond the old patterns. My personal method for transformation is to combine the two, choose new thoughts AND new actions. Pairing the thoughts with the actions create momentum and usher in the new patterns with greater ease.
So, I ask you again, what patterns are you repeating?
If you’re having a challenging time seeing your patterns, ask yourself these questions:
What from my childhood does this remind me of?
What would I have to believe to create this?
Where have I seen this before?
Sometimes it’s hard to see our patterns because we’re so close to them, so asking where you’ve seen this before will help you see it in others. Then, you can see it with yourself.
To create new patterns, first, choose the reality you would like to create. Then, rewrite your beliefs around that pattern and act from those new beliefs. From my example above, I wanted to attract an honest partner. So, I looked around my world for examples of men who were honest. I used those examples as a way to rewrite the belief that men lie. Refusing to be manipulated was actually the action that ended my relationship. In my relationships since then, I’ve attracted honesty, fidelity, and adoration. Those are patterns I enjoy repeating.
Lila Simmons, Guest Contributer
Lila is a Healing Artist who pairs coaching with energy healing to catapult women into their next level of power. For 24 years she has practiced multiple modalities to provide clients with individualized experiences. Lila works with clients in person and virtually.